Category Archives: ask chairman meow

cat or possum

Chairman Meow Explains Difference Between Cats & Possums

chairman meow facebookDear Chairman Meow, what kind of cat is this!? – Dan, Miami Florida

Thank you for your question, Dan. Apparently there has been some confusion as to what is a kitty, and what is not a kitty. This may be due to recent proliferation of fake news on the inter-webs.

Or, perhaps this “kitty confusion” can be blamed on recent Fox News special entitled, “Possums: Are They Just Liberal Cats?

In any event, please allow Great Teacher Chairman Meow to educate you.

Hmmm… Is this a cat?

First, here is the potential “cat” in question:

cat found flyer possum

First, let us find clues as to if this mysterious creature is truly a cat.

  • If perceived “kitty” haz long, pointed nose, the animal may not be a kitty
  • If the animal was found hanging upside-down from a tree by its tail, it is probably not a kitty

Ah hah, it appears that this animal is NOT a kitty! In which case, Dan, please step back from the non-kitty to avoid potential harm. 

In fact, instead of giving you love and affection, this non-kitty may give you many puncture wounds and rabies

Helpful Diagram of a Standard Cat

Still confused? Here is diagram of what common kitty looks like, that has been approved by Chairman Meow’s Ministry of Truth:

cat mao chinese character

Yes, Mao Means, “Cat!”

Oh how Chairman Meow loves irony!

You have come here seeking knowledge, and Great Teacher Meow has filled your brain with TWO shiny pearls of wisdom:

  1. You can now identify a cat
  2. You have learned that “Mao” means “cat” in Chinese

In any event, Dan, that you for your question for Glorious Leader Chairman Meow. I hope that you have lived through your perilous brush with the non-kitty, and go on to live a long, prosperous life filled with loving-affection from actual kitties.

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

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Felis the Cat: The Glorious KITTY Constellation Lost to History

chairman meow facebook“Dear Chairman Meow, are there any domestic cat constellations in the sky?” – Joanna R., Lansdale, Pa

Excellent question, Joanna, and you are in luck because Chairman Meow has infinite knowledge of all things. Allow Teacher Meow to fumigate his wisdom upon you.

Yes, in fact, there used to be a glorious constellation called, Felis the Cat.

It was named as a tribute to the noble domestic kitty, but later omitted from star atlases by arrogant and elitist astronomers.

Here’s the full history:

Felis the Cat Constellation: Born in 1799

joseph jerome lalande

joseph jerome lalande

In 1799 French Astronomer and cat-lover Joseph Jerome de Lalande suggested adding a constellation that he named Felis the Cat. (NOT “Felix the Cat!”) 

Lalande was quoted as saying, “There were already thirty-three animals in the sky; I added a thirty-fourth, the cat.”

A devoted cat-servant, Lalande added, “I love cats very much. I will have this picture engraved on the star map.”

Felis the Cat was soon broadly recognized, and appeared in the highly-acclaimed Uranographia Sive Astrorum Descriptio star atlas of 1801.

felis cat constellation astronomy

Lalande’s Felis the Cat constellation was recognized for decades afterward, appearing in many notable star atlases of the 19th Century.

felis cat constellation stars felix

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) omits Felis the Cat – WTF?

nicolas camille flammarion

Nicolas Camille Flammarion

In the early 20th Century, French astronomer Nicolas Camille Flammarion, deemed Felis the Cat to be expendable, and so it was omitted from the final list of 88 constellations approved by the IAU in 1922.

Other notable constellations eliminated by the IAU included:

  • Rangifer the Reindeer
  • Bufo the Toad
  • Hippocampus the Sea Horse
  • Limax the Slug
  • Manis the Pangolin

How could history include the illustrious Felis the Cat with this motley crew of rejects!?

To make things worse, the IAU included three domestic dogs in their approved group of constellations, including Canis Major & Canis Minor.

The only silver lining to this astronomical charade was that fellow feline, Leo the lion, did make the final cut.

The Curse of Felis the Cat?

hindenberg disaster

Watch out for that… Oops!

Soon after the arrogant act of omitting Felis from the list of constellations, Nicolas Camille Flammarion would die in 1924.

*Although the official conclusion was that Flammarion died of natural causes, some suspect foul play, as several cat hairs were found next to his body. Chairman Meow, however, denies any involvement

After Felis the Cat was rejected, a number of other terrible things would happen to mankind, including The Great Depression and World War II; all under a night sky devoid of the majestic Felis the Cat.

What a pity. 

Make Felis the Cat great again!

Honorable Leader Chairman Meow promises that when cats rule the world under his brilliant leadership, the constellation of Felis the Cat will once again be a constellation.

In fact, Felis will be the biggest constellation in the sky, and all but 9 stars in the Northern Hemisphere will be part of this new, kitty super-constellation(The remaining 9 or so stars will comprise the constellation of a salmon, which Felis will be eating.)

Here is what the new and improved Felis the Cat constellation will look like:

felis cat constellation new

New and improved Felis the Cat constellation

What’s wrong? Upset because the North Star will merely be one of Felis the Cat’s toenails in Chairman Meow’s new star map?

It’s called “progress,” and you can either get on board, or get out of the way.

Long live the Kitty! 

Chairman Meow haz spoken

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Did Martha Washington Name Her Cat After Alexander Hamilton?

chairman meow facebookDear Chairman Meow, is it true that Martha Washington named her cat after Alexander Hamilton? – Peggy, New York, NY

Yes, Peggy, rumor has it that Founding Father Alexander Hamilton was a bit of a dog when it came to the ladies.

Actually, you could say he was more of a tomcat; and George Washington’s wife, Martha, seemed to agree.

That’s apparently why Martha Washington named their feral tomcat “Hamilton,” after Alexander due to his reputation as a scoundrel and womanizer.

This rumor is mentioned in “Hamilton” the musical

Actually, this historical rumor is mentioned in the Broadway show Hamilton, and explained in a tweet by creator Lin Manuel Miranda:

If you are a fan of the Hamilton Soundtrack, you’ll know that Lin Manuel Miranda mentions this fact in the song, A Winter’s Ball:

Aaron Burr
“(Ladies) They delighted and distracted him,

Martha Washington named her feral tomcat after him!”

Hamilton
“That’s true!”

They also refer to Alexander Hamilton as, “The Tomcat” in the song, “The Story of Tonight”:

“I’ve seen wonders great and small, 
‘Cause if the tomcat can get married,
There’s hope for our ass, after all!”


Curiosity killed The Tomcat’s political career

“When the sword is once drawn, the passions of men observe no bounds of moderation.” – Alexander Hamilton

(Ummm… double entendre?)  Anyway, it was apparently Hamilton’s curiosity with the ladies (and not observing the “bounds of moderation”) that killed his political career, specifically when he admitted to a lengthy affair with a married woman in the 95-page Reynold’s Pamphlet of 1797.

In fact, John Adams wife, Abigail, once wrote that Hamilton represented “lasciviousness itself.”

Sounds like Hamilton’s reputation of being a tomcat is well-deserved.

Although Hamilton did seem to always land on his feet, the last of his nine lives ended in 1804 when he was mortally wounded in a famous duel with Aaron Burr.

So, did Martha Washington name her cat after Alexander Hamilton?

Because there is no written records about the Washington’s cats, it would be hard to prove the rumor definitively either way.

However, the story seems to have credibility, and bones found around Mt. Vernon confirm that feral cats were present while the Washington’s lived there.

So, Peggy, the rumor that Martha Washington named her cat after Alexander Hamilton is probably true.

As you can imagine, having a cat named after you is the highest of honors for any human, so Hamilton’s eponymous kitty at Mt. Vernon is surely his most significant legacy.

Chairman Meow haz spoken. 

ceiling cat watching you blessed

Who Is Ceiling Cat? A Brief History of the Divine Kitty

“Dear Glorious Leader Chairman Meow: who is Ceiling Cat?” – Timmy, Austin TX

Thank you for your sincere, but slightly naive question, Timmy. Unlike your false digital idol, Siri, Chairman Meow has true knowledge of all things. Now, I will fumigate my wisdom of Ceiling Cat upon you.

Who Is Ceiling Cat?

ceiling cat sistine chapel

Ceiling Cat is a divine kitteh who created the universe and looks down from the heavens upon us all, judging our actions.

Ceiling cat is omnipresent and sees everything, including the sinful things that you do when you are alone on your laptop at night, Timmy.

In Genesis 1:1 of the lolcat bible it is written: “Oh hai. In teh beginning Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.”

Ceiling Cat vs. Basement Cat: An Eternal Struggle

ceiling cat vs basement cat

Ceiling Cat is the force of all that is good in the universe, and the source of all purring. Throughout all of time he must battle Basement Cat, an evil, black, subterranean cat similar to what humans call, “Satan.”

basement cat tshirtNew: Basement Cat T-Shirt

  • Star Wars fans would say the Ceiling Cat is “The Force,” while Basement Cat is “The Dark Side.”
  • C.S. Lewis might consider Ceiling Cat a “wise, furry, feline Jesus figure,” much like his “Aslan” character.

Ceiling Cat: Provides Divine Inspiration & Celestial Surveillance for Chairman Meow

It is said in Sun Tzu’s Art of War that for any dictator to be successful, he must have effective surveillance, preferably from a celestial kitty looking down on the masses from the ceiling. Such is the essential role of Ceiling Cat in the Glorious Kitty Revolution. Ceiling Cat sees everything, even your thoughts.

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” – George Orwell

ceiling cat vs basement cat

Ceiling Cat T-Shirts for Capitalist Pigs

Although Capitalism is inherently self-destructive, Chairman Meow believes that we must all make money in order to provide a proper home for our kittehs. How else could we enjoy a warm bed, catnip, and delicious fishy treats?

For this reason, Chairman Meow has commissioned his Minister of Propaganda to create t-shirts to honor Ceiling Cat, so that Capitalist Pigs may attain them and find happiness in acquiring material possessions.

ceiling cat t-shirt

*Like a furry, 4-legged Robin Hood, Chairman Meow provides coupons for greedy corporations like Vistaprint (get coupons) so that their profits may be diminished, and redistributed to the kitteh-owning masses.

Ceiling Cat believe

So, Timmy, I hope you has learned many important things about Ceiling Cat today. Hopefully now you will live a more meaningful life supporting the Kitteh Revolution, and stop masturbating.

Chairman Meow has spoken.

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nfl gronkowski kitty

16 Great Cat Name Ideas Inspired by NFL Players

Dear Chairman Meow, What should I name our new kitty? – Robert G, Boston, Ma
chairman meow
Ah, yes, Robert. (Can I call you, “Bob?” It is such a noble name)

Anyway, Bob, you’ve brought home a furry bundle of joy to rule your home, but what do you name your new militant little friend?

Like NFL players, cats are agile, dynamic, and independent. They can also be unpredictable, mischievous, and capable of bold action; therefore, they deserve a bold name.

Here are some suggestions for cat names from current NFL team rosters:

The best potential cat names in the NFL

maurkice pouncey cat name

There are many great names in the NFL that are worthy of giving to a cat, here a the favorites of Chairman Meow:

  • nf cat name frostee ruckerMaurkice Pouncey – C, Pittsburgh Steelers
    Chairman Meow believes this is the best cat name in the NFL. Enough said.
  • Frostee Rucker – DT, Arizona Cardinals
    Perfect for a white cat, or one with with a white face.
  • Captain Munnerlyn – KR, Minnesota Vikings
    A name that shows authority. Great for a born feline leader.
  • Bacarri Rambo, SS, Buffalo Bills
    Strong name for a cat skilled in survival, hunting, and guerrilla warfare.
  • Zoltan Mesko – P, Cincinatti Bengals
    If you lived through the 1980’s, you may remember Zoltan from the movie Big? Since cats appreciate irony, perhaps this would be good name for a very small kitty?
  • Richie Incognito, C, Dolphins
    Perfect name for black cat, or cat that enjoys hiding or sneaking around a lot.

More current NFL player / cat name ideas

  • Atari Bigby – DB, Seahawks
  • Beanie Wells – RB, Arizona Cardinals
  • Barkevious Mingo(once again; ironic) OLB, Cleveland Browns
  • Cadillac Williams – RB, Free Agent
  • Ziggy Hood – DT, Steelers
  • Nico Johnson – LB, Buffalo Bills

Of course, these are just current NFL names approved by Great Leader Chairman Meow. There are some great historical NFL names as well, such as Jumbo Elliot, Dexter Manley, Bronko Nagurski, and Deacon Jones.

Plus, every year the NFL welcomes talented young players with great cat-name potential, so don’t insult the dynamic kitty with a boring, common name like, “Bella, Max, or Kitty.” 

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

Please share!

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the isolator invention

“The Isolator” – A Really Dumb Invention By Hugo Gernsback

chairman meow“Dear Chairman Meow: I have a great idea for an invention. What should I do?” – Kenny D, Moorestown, NJ

Well, Kenny, don’t do anything just yet. You see, many people have “inspired” ideas and dreams, but some of them are just stupid, and better off kept to yourself.

Take for example, Hugo Gernsback and his foolish invention, “The Isolator.”

“The Isolator” Invention By Hugo Gernsback

Working from home has a lot of challenges. The phone rings, the kids barge into your office… What’s a self-employed person to do?

Well, apparently Hugo Gernsback had the same issue in 1925, and instead of complaining about it, he went out and (sort of) changed the world by inventing something really dumb: The Isolator:

the isolator anti distraction helmet

science invention magazine

science magazine

Hugo himself was not just a crazy guy off the streets; he was actually editor of Science & Invention Magazine, which I assume was a legitimate publication. (hey, it has the word, “science” in it!) He also is considered by many to be one of “The Fathers of Science Fiction.”

OK, maybe it didn’t gain the popularity that Scotch Tape did (invented the same year) but I bet it helped at least a few people concentrate out there.

I’m thinking maybe this invention could help fix the ADHD epidemic in this… look, a butterfly!

the isolator distraction helmet

Anyway, let’s just hope that helmet material isn’t asbestos, and that no smart-aleck kids out there got the idea to switch Mr. Gernsbeck’s oxygen tank with helium. (or nitrous?) 

Well, in conclusion, Hugo never succeeded with his invention, or even copyrighted the name “The Isolator.” (which I imagine is now being tarnished by a “sexual well-being” gadget of the same name sold at Walgreens?)

Chairman Meow Says: In conclusion, let Hugo’s failure be a lesson to us all: “we all have dreams, but some people’s dreams are stupid.”


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