Category Archives: chairman meow wisdom

canis minor stars

Chairman Meow Calls for Boycott of Canis Minor Constellation

chairman meow facebookOnce again, Chairman Meow finds himself at odds with the scientific community. Why, you ask? 

Two words: Canis Minor.

The elites would have us believe that Canis Minor is a legitimate constellation that resembles a dog, but I dissent. 

Gather around, my students, and let Chairman Meow educate you on the most disgraceful “constellation” in the sky, and why it must be boycotted.

The History of Canis Minor

First, a little history.

Or, should I say, “HIS” story.

The Canis Minor constellation was first catalogued by Greek scientist, Ptolemy, in the 2nd century AD. It is currently recognized by humans as one of the 88 “modern constellations,” and the Latin name “Canis Minor” translates to, lesser dog.

Lesser dog? Chairman Meow couldn’t agree more. It is truly a “lesser” constellation.

You see, this inferior constellation, consists of only two stars, yet supposedly resembles a dog, according to Ptolemy, and so-called “astronomy” books have perpetuated this lie for centuries.

Would you like to see Canis Minor for yourself?

Behold, the Canis Minor Constellation in all its splendor:

canis minor stars

As you can see, Canis Minor is a poor excuse for a constellation.

Chairman Meow believes that when Ptolemy connected these two stars and saw a dog, he was either disseminating fake news, or smoking something a lot stronger than catnip.

The mainstream media has issued many patronizing diagrams, such as the one below, to convince us that there is merit to Ptolemy’s hallucination:

canis minor constellation

Not convinced those dots look like a dog?

Perhaps an artist’s rendering of Canis Minor with more detail will help:

canis minor dog constellation

Fancy drawing, but Chairman Meow is still not buying it.

Now things get really crazy 

As if believeing that two connected dots can resemble a dog isn’t crazy enough, let us examine Canis Minor together with its neighboring constellation, Monoceros.

When we do, things quickly go from ludicrous to psychedelic:
canus minor unicorn

The grouping of stars now apparently resembles a dog riding on the back of a flying unicorn! (sailing over a drafting table?) 

I refuse to accept this foolishness.

Chairman Meow Boycotts Canis Minor

canis minor 2 starsI’m sorry, but Chairman Meow will NOT accept this fraudulent constellation, but he will “connect the dots” for his followers.

Consider that Canis minor somehow survived through the millennia, while reasonable constellations like Felis the Cat were unfairly lost to history.

Does that seem fair, or perhaps the deck is stacked against us? 

Chairman Meow is an open-minded cat, but there are some things that cannot be forgiven. These things include 11 inch hoagies marketed as being “foot long,” and stupid dog constellations made of two stars.

Chairman Meow must ask his followers to boycott this ridiculous dog “constellation,” as well as the two offending stars, Procyon and Gomeisa that Canis Minor is comprised of.

If you do gaze skyward in the Northern Hemisphere at night, please divert your eyes from these two charlatan stars.

Yes, go ahead and shun them like you are Jim Bob Duggar and they are your promiscuous daughters, strutting around town wearing sleeveless-shirts.

We shall never speak of Canis Minor again.

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

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cat or possum

Chairman Meow Explains Difference Between Cats & Possums

chairman meow facebookDear Chairman Meow, what kind of cat is this!? – Dan, Miami Florida

Thank you for your question, Dan. Apparently there has been some confusion as to what is a kitty, and what is not a kitty. This may be due to recent proliferation of fake news on the inter-webs.

Or, perhaps this “kitty confusion” can be blamed on recent Fox News special entitled, “Possums: Are They Just Liberal Cats?

In any event, please allow Great Teacher Chairman Meow to educate you.

Hmmm… Is this a cat?

First, here is the potential “cat” in question:

cat found flyer possum

First, let us find clues as to if this mysterious creature is truly a cat.

  • If perceived “kitty” haz long, pointed nose, the animal may not be a kitty
  • If the animal was found hanging upside-down from a tree by its tail, it is probably not a kitty

Ah hah, it appears that this animal is NOT a kitty! In which case, Dan, please step back from the non-kitty to avoid potential harm. 

In fact, instead of giving you love and affection, this non-kitty may give you many puncture wounds and rabies

Helpful Diagram of a Standard Cat

Still confused? Here is diagram of what common kitty looks like, that has been approved by Chairman Meow’s Ministry of Truth:

cat mao chinese character

Yes, Mao Means, “Cat!”

Oh how Chairman Meow loves irony!

You have come here seeking knowledge, and Great Teacher Meow has filled your brain with TWO shiny pearls of wisdom:

  1. You can now identify a cat
  2. You have learned that “Mao” means “cat” in Chinese

In any event, Dan, that you for your question for Glorious Leader Chairman Meow. I hope that you have lived through your perilous brush with the non-kitty, and go on to live a long, prosperous life filled with loving-affection from actual kitties.

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

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Felis the Cat: The Glorious KITTY Constellation Lost to History

chairman meow facebook“Dear Chairman Meow, are there any domestic cat constellations in the sky?” – Joanna R., Lansdale, Pa

Excellent question, Joanna, and you are in luck because Chairman Meow has infinite knowledge of all things. Allow Teacher Meow to fumigate his wisdom upon you.

Yes, in fact, there used to be a glorious constellation called, Felis the Cat.

It was named as a tribute to the noble domestic kitty, but later omitted from star atlases by arrogant and elitist astronomers.

Here’s the full history:

Felis the Cat Constellation: Born in 1799

joseph jerome lalande

joseph jerome lalande

In 1799 French Astronomer and cat-lover Joseph Jerome de Lalande suggested adding a constellation that he named Felis the Cat. (NOT “Felix the Cat!”) 

Lalande was quoted as saying, “There were already thirty-three animals in the sky; I added a thirty-fourth, the cat.”

A devoted cat-servant, Lalande added, “I love cats very much. I will have this picture engraved on the star map.”

Felis the Cat was soon broadly recognized, and appeared in the highly-acclaimed Uranographia Sive Astrorum Descriptio star atlas of 1801.

felis cat constellation astronomy

Lalande’s Felis the Cat constellation was recognized for decades afterward, appearing in many notable star atlases of the 19th Century.

felis cat constellation stars felix

The International Astronomical Union (IAU) omits Felis the Cat – WTF?

nicolas camille flammarion

Nicolas Camille Flammarion

In the early 20th Century, French astronomer Nicolas Camille Flammarion, deemed Felis the Cat to be expendable, and so it was omitted from the final list of 88 constellations approved by the IAU in 1922.

Other notable constellations eliminated by the IAU included:

  • Rangifer the Reindeer
  • Bufo the Toad
  • Hippocampus the Sea Horse
  • Limax the Slug
  • Manis the Pangolin

How could history include the illustrious Felis the Cat with this motley crew of rejects!?

To make things worse, the IAU included three domestic dogs in their approved group of constellations, including Canis Major & Canis Minor.

The only silver lining to this astronomical charade was that fellow feline, Leo the lion, did make the final cut.

The Curse of Felis the Cat?

hindenberg disaster

Watch out for that… Oops!

Soon after the arrogant act of omitting Felis from the list of constellations, Nicolas Camille Flammarion would die in 1924.

*Although the official conclusion was that Flammarion died of natural causes, some suspect foul play, as several cat hairs were found next to his body. Chairman Meow, however, denies any involvement

After Felis the Cat was rejected, a number of other terrible things would happen to mankind, including The Great Depression and World War II; all under a night sky devoid of the majestic Felis the Cat.

What a pity. 

Make Felis the Cat great again!

Honorable Leader Chairman Meow promises that when cats rule the world under his brilliant leadership, the constellation of Felis the Cat will once again be a constellation.

In fact, Felis will be the biggest constellation in the sky, and all but 9 stars in the Northern Hemisphere will be part of this new, kitty super-constellation(The remaining 9 or so stars will comprise the constellation of a salmon, which Felis will be eating.)

Here is what the new and improved Felis the Cat constellation will look like:

felis cat constellation new

New and improved Felis the Cat constellation

What’s wrong? Upset because the North Star will merely be one of Felis the Cat’s toenails in Chairman Meow’s new star map?

It’s called “progress,” and you can either get on board, or get out of the way.

Long live the Kitty! 

Chairman Meow haz spoken

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humpty dumpty gold

Humpty Dumpty, Entropy, & Gold: Why This Won’t End Well!

Dear Chairman Meow, Is gold real money? – Janet Y., Washington, D.C.

chairman meow facebookAh, thank you for your question, Janet.

Chairman Meow is a very knowledgeable and observant cat with a healthy distrust for human governments.

Allow him to teach you about a concept called, “entropy,” that is pervasive in our world, and tell you why it matters to your savings so that you may always provide a warm home and salmon treats for your kitty.

The Concept of Entropy

jurassic park entropyEntropy is the tendency of systems to move from order to disorder. Entropy is all around us. For examples of entropy, watch an ice cube melt in hot tea, or observe a burning campfire deteriorate into ash.

Chairman Meow is reminded of the movie Jurassic Park.

Do you remember when the obese, greedy, human turns off the security system for his own financial gain? The park quickly falls into disorder as the dinosaurs break out of  their cages and start eating people.

After entropy takes hold, returning a system to its original state of order becomes difficult or impossible.

Humpty Dumpty & Entropy

The concept of entropy is also illustrated by the famous story of Humpty Dumpty.”

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again

You see, the corpulent, anthropomorphic egg fell off the wall, and he landed with a sickening splat. He made a disorderly mess on the ground, and could not be reassembled, even by the most powerful figures (all the king’s horses and all the king’s men) in the land.

So, allow all-knowing Leader Chairman Meow explain how this relates to your money.

Entropy, Currency, & Gold

A system of currency (like the dollar or the Japanese Yen) not tethered to gold is subject to the laws of entropy; like a bike left outside in the rain, or a giant egg-man perched precariously on a wall.

You see, when currency is not anchored to something of intrinsic value, it gradually deteriorates and falls into disorder because of entropic forces acting upon it.

While these entropic forces change over centuries, today they involve currency devaluation, interest rate manipulation, and stimulus efforts. Just read today’s economic headlines in the news and you’ll see entropy at work.

But, Why Is Gold Money?

raccoon ring

OMG! Is that real gold?

Gold and silver have what is called, “intrinsic value” which means that humans and raccoons will always believe they are precious, and worth hoarding.

Under a gold standard, paper money was simply an IOU that could be redeemed for actual gold or silver at any time.

Gold is ideal as hard money because it’s easily measured, doesn’t deteriorate or rust, and can’t be reproduced or engineered in a lab. The world’s gold supply is consistent, and never increases by more than about 1% each year, even with all of the newly mined gold.

Because of this intrinsic value and stability, gold and silver served as the foundation of money for thousands of years.

(*The traditional gold standard was a simplistic system lacking the flexibility needed for the 21st Century, but at least it established a solid foundation for currency, and demanded collateral for debt)

A New Science of Alchemy?

alchemist creates gold

I will call it, “bitcoin!”

Men called, “Alchemists” tried for many years to create gold from lead without success. (meanwhile, cats spent their time on more noble pursuits.)

However, if money couldn’t be created from base metals, then perhaps it could be created from paper, or even by computers?

This was attempted many times throughout history, and all of the attempts were doomed to end in failure. A couple of well-known examples include when France severed the tie between gold and the French currency, leading to chaos and the French Revolution.

Or, Janet, consider when Germany lost WWI and suspended the gold standard. Their paper “marks” soon became worthless as a result of hyperinflation due to their crushing debt, leading to the rise of Hitler.

5 billion German marks

5 billion German marks (about $5!)

However, as they say, “those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

In 1971 Richard Nixon formally took the U.S. off the gold standard, replacing the dollar’s tether to precious metals with a foundation of nothing but faith and trust in the U.S. government.

That’s also the year that Disney World opened to the public, charging $3.50 per ticket. Today that same 1-day park ticket will cost you over $100. Do you see where wise leader Chairman Meow is going with this, Janet?

You might say that August 15th, 1971 was the birthday of the monetary “Humpty Dumpty” we depend on today.

The Law of Entropy Suggests this Won’t End Well

humpty dumpty entropy wall

look… It’s $20T in government debt!

Did president Nixon and the Federal Reserve succeed where alchemists had failed for centuries?

Or, is something more valuable and tangible than faith needed to support a currency?

Perhaps an egg on a wall is a good metaphor for where we find our monetary system today.

Even though the ability to create limitless debt has brought us growth, and even lifted us out of financial crisis, humanity will eventually learn that it is still subject to the laws of entropy and gravity.

So, Janet, when debt and stimulus finally reach their limits and Humpty falls, will all the king’s horses and all the king’s men be able to put Humpty back together again?

A Post-apocalyptic Future of Cat World-Rule?

cat fall of rome

The kitty just waits…

Although Chairman Meow was looking forward to a 21st Century of flying cars, reasonably priced Disney tickets, and responsible central banks, it appears he will be disappointed. However, as they say, “in every failure their is an opportunity.”

While greedy men risk their future by amassing colossal debt, the kitteh simply watches and waits for his opportunity, and the dawn of the glorious Kitty Revolution

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

ceiling cat watching you blessed

Who Is Ceiling Cat? A Brief History of the Divine Kitty

“Dear Glorious Leader Chairman Meow: who is Ceiling Cat?” – Timmy, Austin TX

Thank you for your sincere, but slightly naive question, Timmy. Unlike your false digital idol, Siri, Chairman Meow has true knowledge of all things. Now, I will fumigate my wisdom of Ceiling Cat upon you.

Who Is Ceiling Cat?

ceiling cat sistine chapel

Ceiling Cat is a divine kitteh who created the universe and looks down from the heavens upon us all, judging our actions.

Ceiling cat is omnipresent and sees everything, including the sinful things that you do when you are alone on your laptop at night, Timmy.

In Genesis 1:1 of the lolcat bible it is written: “Oh hai. In teh beginning Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.”

Ceiling Cat vs. Basement Cat: An Eternal Struggle

ceiling cat vs basement cat

Ceiling Cat is the force of all that is good in the universe, and the source of all purring. Throughout all of time he must battle Basement Cat, an evil, black, subterranean cat similar to what humans call, “Satan.”

basement cat tshirtNew: Basement Cat T-Shirt

  • Star Wars fans would say the Ceiling Cat is “The Force,” while Basement Cat is “The Dark Side.”
  • C.S. Lewis might consider Ceiling Cat a “wise, furry, feline Jesus figure,” much like his “Aslan” character.

Ceiling Cat: Provides Divine Inspiration & Celestial Surveillance for Chairman Meow

It is said in Sun Tzu’s Art of War that for any dictator to be successful, he must have effective surveillance, preferably from a celestial kitty looking down on the masses from the ceiling. Such is the essential role of Ceiling Cat in the Glorious Kitty Revolution. Ceiling Cat sees everything, even your thoughts.

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” – George Orwell

ceiling cat vs basement cat

Ceiling Cat T-Shirts for Capitalist Pigs

Although Capitalism is inherently self-destructive, Chairman Meow believes that we must all make money in order to provide a proper home for our kittehs. How else could we enjoy a warm bed, catnip, and delicious fishy treats?

For this reason, Chairman Meow has commissioned his Minister of Propaganda to create t-shirts to honor Ceiling Cat, so that Capitalist Pigs may attain them and find happiness in acquiring material possessions.

ceiling cat t-shirt

*Like a furry, 4-legged Robin Hood, Chairman Meow provides coupons for greedy corporations like Vistaprint (get coupons) so that their profits may be diminished, and redistributed to the kitteh-owning masses.

Ceiling Cat believe

So, Timmy, I hope you has learned many important things about Ceiling Cat today. Hopefully now you will live a more meaningful life supporting the Kitteh Revolution, and stop masturbating.

Chairman Meow has spoken.

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