Category Archives: fake news

kim jong un cat space laser

Kim Jong-Un Warns Cats: “I Has a Giant Space Laser-Pointer”

north korean news report

North Korea threatens the Kitteh

AP: Kim Jong Un Threatens Cats With Giant Space-Laser – In what appears to be retaliation after a recent alliance between Lenin Cat and Chairman Meow, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un warned that he has obtained a “giant space-laser,” saying:

“The kitty can not resist the laser beam. I have personally instructed my scientists to create a huge frickin’ laser beam in space, capable of reaching every kitchen floor in America.

When I deploy the laser, kitties everywhere will be mere puppets of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea; helplessly chasing the dot until they collapse.” – Kim Jong Un

North Korean state media then released this shocking, propaganda video, showing the terrifying power of the space laser:

shocking video shows power of space laser

Chairman Meow responds to North Korean threat

Immediately after receiving the threat of a space-laser attack from North Korea, Chairman Meow issued the following statement:

“As leader of the Glorious Kitteh Revolution, I must protect kittehs from all threats; both foreign and domestic

That is why I haz already ordered mass-production of special scientific glasses that will protect the kitteh against the terrifying, hypnotic power of the space-laser:”

cat sunglasses laser pointer

chairman meow facebookI urge all kittehs to wear these protective glasses until further notice, and the threat is over.

But, fear not comrades; I will blow up this “space laser,” but not before turning it on Mr. Un, so that I may give him a much-needed haircut.

You see, Mr. Un, you will never control the kitteh, because the kitteh is too clever. In fact, soon the Glorious Kitty Revolution will begin, and then you and your people will be mere slaves in Chairman Meow’s catnip fields.”

– Chairman Meow haz spoken

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cat evolution proof

A New Phase of Kitty Evolution? Here’s the Shocking Proof

Scientists: Are Cats Rapidly Evolving? – In a shocking press release today, Chairman Meow’s Ministry of Science has provided scientific evidence that cats are evolving at a stunning pace.

The stunning video clearly shows a kitty walking upright like a human.

cat walking hind legs

shocking proof that cats are evolving

Believing that she was not being observed, the kitty reportedly walked into the kitchen, made a tuna sandwich, and binge-watched Game of Thrones before turning out the light and going to sleep:

Indisputable evidence of kitty evolution

Scientists are astounded at this documentation, as it provides more hard evidence for the Theory of Kitty Evolution,” first proposed by Charles Darwin in 1858, that has been gaining momentum and respect in the scientific community.

This recent documentation is just the latest in a series of photos and eye witness accounts from across the world that seem to support the controversial theory.

standing cat

What is next, a “cats” musical!?

One scientist believes that if this rapid evolution continues, the felines may begin to show human-like characteristics, possibly even learning to use their thumbs.

He went so far as to commission an artistic rendering (see below) of where he believes this shocking feline evolution, combined with global warming, will lead in the coming decades.

cats evolved

Cats by 2050?

chairman meow north korea girl band2

Chairman Meow Challenges Kim Jong Un’s “Army-Girl Band”

kim jong un hair“…I’m in command, hot damn, I got an all-girl band!” – Salt n’ Peppa

In a move seems to directly challenge Chairman Meow and other world leaders, Kim Jong Un has assembled a state-sponsored North Korean army girl band.

In this newly released video, you can watch them playing toe-tapping propaganda favorites like “Let’s Support Our Supreme Commander With Arms:” (below)

Kim Jong Un’s All-Girl Band

Chairman Meow Responds With Challenge

Dear “Supreme Leader,” you are not the first dictator to assemble a band.

In fact, Chairman Meow has won many prestigious awards for producing the pleasing Holiday sounds of his own band; the “Rockcats” aka the original “Pussy Riot:”

Kim Jong Un’s “Moranbong Girl Band” vs. “Original Pussy Riot”

So, Mr. Un, let us have a “battle of the bands,” as the Americans say. Then, we shall let the people decide whose band is truly supreme.

Perhaps we should set the stakes high?

As the devil once said, “I’ll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul ’cause I think (my cat band) is better than you…”

north korean girl band

The stakes?

Chairman Meow proposes:

  • To the winner: A belly-rub and jumbo-size package of fishy-treats
  • To the loser: A trip to the veterinarian, complete with haircut, bath, and anal-gland expression

You see, Mr. Kim Jong Un, I also like to live dangerously.

Chairman Meow haz spoken…


Related:

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lenin cat tanks

Lenin Cat Professes Allegiance to Chairman Meow

chairman meowTensions with North Korea were strained further today, as Lenin Cat declared his allegiance to Chairman Meow, potentially shifting the balance of global power and unsettling already volatile financial markets.

Many see Lenin Cat’s declaration of support for Chairman Meow as an insult to Communist North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, whom Chairman Meow has condemned for years.

AP: Lenin Cat Declares Fondness for Chairman Meow

lenin cat communist

Kim Jong Un Fires Back

kim jong un hairIn response to Lenin Cat’s declaration, Kim Jong-Un positioned an extra 10,000 North Korean troops on the border with the South, and reportedly fired a large rocket into the South China sea; claiming that it killed “many delicious fishes, including salmon,” a favorite meal of the kitteh.

He also claimed that the country is perfecting a large, nuclear-powered space laser pointer that can reach as far as North America; potentially rendering cats there helpless against it’s attraction.

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vladimir putin doctor evil

Russia Releases Shocking Photo of Advanced Kitty Weaponry

European leaders are scrambling today after Vladimir Putin released a photo showing that Russia has obtained advanced kitty military capacity (AKMC).

Sources say that this provocative move is merely the latest effort by Mr. Putin to reclaim the “lost glories” of the Soviet Union.

rocket cat

Strategic resources?

special kitty foodU.S. intelligence warns that Mr. Putin may be planning an imminent attack on the Eastern Ukraine, an area rich in magnesium, sugar beets, and potassium.

These resources are all key ingredients in Special Kitty cat food, which experts say creates the copious gas necessary for fueling this new feline weaponry.

Can Mankind Really Control This New Technology?

Critics claim that Mr. Putin’s ambitions may be larger than we think, and warn that man has tried to control the kitty for generations without success. By once again attempting to do so, is Mr. Putin risking that this technology will quickly spiral out of control and threaten the very existence of mankind?

ian malcolmAs Dr. Ian Malcolm warned in Jurassic Park, “The scientific power that your using here didn’t require any discipline to attain it…. So, you don’t take any responsibility for it.”

Or, perhaps this is a case of the “tail wagging the dog” (or cat?) with the kitty merely using Mr. Putin as a pawn to achieve Chairman Meow‘s radical vision of kitty world-domination?

Either way, in attempting to control and wield the power of the kitty, mankind may once again be opening Pandora’s (litter?) Box.


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jim jong il golf

Chairman Meow Challenges Kim Jong Il to Golf Match

chairman meowChairman Meow scours the globe for “the best”: Glorious Leader Chairman Meow is always looking for phenomenal athletes, fighters, and brilliant minds to test his superior skills against.

According to reports from the official North Korean goverment media, Kim Jong Il is the greatest golfer to ever play in the history of the sport.

Chairman Meow wants in on that action.

Kim Jong Il Shoots a 38 Under Par

Official reports out of North Korea’s capital, Pyong Yang, have claimed that Kim “enjoys golf” and shot an amazing 38 under par the first time he tried at the capital’s (only) golf course in 1994.

This means that according to his score keeper, Kim Jong Il finished the 18 holes in a mere 34 strokes. This is even more amazing, considering that Tiger Woods best score was a 66 in his 19 under par at Augusta; a feat considered by many to be “the best game ever.”

The North Korean government media added that Kim shot “multiple hole in ones” as well as acing another 5 holes. According to North Korean government sources, this super-human feat has become routine for the “Dear Leader” Kim Jong Il, as the media notes that he “routinely shoots three to four holes-in-one per round.”

kim jong il golf water hazzard

Kim Jong Il fearlessly surveys water hazard

3 Hole In One’s (In One Day) is Pretty Darn Good though

Once again, we must consider what an incredible achievement this is; Golf Digest estimates the odds of an amateur getting a single hole-in-one to be over 12,000 to 1.

The odds of two holes-in one in a single round, about 67 million to one. Chairman Meow would tell you what the odds of shooting three holes in one are, but your head would explode.

Chairman Meow officially Challenges Kim Jong Il to Golf Match

Chairman Meow Says: “I haz been waiting for a worthy adversary to test my golf superior game against. Although Chairman Meow haz never played a full 18 holes of golf, I am quite confident that I could beat score of “Dear Leader” of North Korea.

Principles of golf same as principles of batting around ball of string, so transition for Chairman Meow will be very simple. Plus, I have recently begun strength training with same routine that help Pat Robertson leg press 2000 pounds.”

chairman meow lag

But, isn’t Kim Jong Il Dead?

Chairman Meow responds to this detail by reminding Mr. Il that death never stops the great ones.

Did Jesus just give up & retire after he was crucified, or did he stage the biggest comeback ever? (aka “The Resurrection®” ) Chairman Meow himself has nine lives, and does not let a trifle such as death get in the way of a round of golf.

Chairman Meow is available for match any day in next month, except for Wednesday evenings, when Chairman Meow enjoys observing “Honey Boo Boo” on human television channel, TLC.

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

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