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canis minor stars

Chairman Meow Calls for Boycott of Canis Minor Constellation

chairman meow facebookOnce again, Chairman Meow finds himself at odds with the scientific community. Why, you ask? 

Two words: Canis Minor.

The elites would have us believe that Canis Minor is a legitimate constellation that resembles a dog, but I dissent. 

Gather around, my students, and let Chairman Meow educate you on the most disgraceful “constellation” in the sky, and why it must be boycotted.

The History of Canis Minor

First, a little history.

Or, should I say, “HIS” story.

The Canis Minor constellation was first catalogued by Greek scientist, Ptolemy, in the 2nd century AD. It is currently recognized by humans as one of the 88 “modern constellations,” and the Latin name “Canis Minor” translates to, lesser dog.

Lesser dog? Chairman Meow couldn’t agree more. It is truly a “lesser” constellation.

You see, this inferior constellation, consists of only two stars, yet supposedly resembles a dog, according to Ptolemy, and so-called “astronomy” books have perpetuated this lie for centuries.

Would you like to see Canis Minor for yourself?

Behold, the Canis Minor Constellation in all its splendor:

canis minor stars

As you can see, Canis Minor is a poor excuse for a constellation.

Chairman Meow believes that when Ptolemy connected these two stars and saw a dog, he was either disseminating fake news, or smoking something a lot stronger than catnip.

The mainstream media has issued many patronizing diagrams, such as the one below, to convince us that there is merit to Ptolemy’s hallucination:

canis minor constellation

Not convinced those dots look like a dog?

Perhaps an artist’s rendering of Canis Minor with more detail will help:

canis minor dog constellation

Fancy drawing, but Chairman Meow is still not buying it.

Now things get really crazy 

As if believeing that two connected dots can resemble a dog isn’t crazy enough, let us examine Canis Minor together with its neighboring constellation, Monoceros.

When we do, things quickly go from ludicrous to psychedelic:
canus minor unicorn

The grouping of stars now apparently resembles a dog riding on the back of a flying unicorn! (sailing over a drafting table?) 

I refuse to accept this foolishness.

Chairman Meow Boycotts Canis Minor

canis minor 2 starsI’m sorry, but Chairman Meow will NOT accept this fraudulent constellation, but he will “connect the dots” for his followers.

Consider that Canis minor somehow survived through the millennia, while reasonable constellations like Felis the Cat were unfairly lost to history.

Does that seem fair, or perhaps the deck is stacked against us? 

Chairman Meow is an open-minded cat, but there are some things that cannot be forgiven. These things include 11 inch hoagies marketed as being “foot long,” and stupid dog constellations made of two stars.

Chairman Meow must ask his followers to boycott this ridiculous dog “constellation,” as well as the two offending stars, Procyon and Gomeisa that Canis Minor is comprised of.

If you do gaze skyward in the Northern Hemisphere at night, please divert your eyes from these two charlatan stars.

Yes, go ahead and shun them like you are Jim Bob Duggar and they are your promiscuous daughters, strutting around town wearing sleeveless-shirts.

We shall never speak of Canis Minor again.

Chairman Meow haz spoken.

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ceiling cat watching you blessed

Who Is Ceiling Cat? A Brief History of the Divine Kitty

“Dear Glorious Leader Chairman Meow: who is Ceiling Cat?” – Timmy, Austin TX

Thank you for your sincere, but slightly naive question, Timmy. Unlike your false digital idol, Siri, Chairman Meow has true knowledge of all things. Now, I will fumigate my wisdom of Ceiling Cat upon you.

Who Is Ceiling Cat?

ceiling cat sistine chapel

Ceiling Cat is a divine kitteh who created the universe and looks down from the heavens upon us all, judging our actions.

Ceiling cat is omnipresent and sees everything, including the sinful things that you do when you are alone on your laptop at night, Timmy.

In Genesis 1:1 of the lolcat bible it is written: “Oh hai. In teh beginning Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.”

Ceiling Cat vs. Basement Cat: An Eternal Struggle

ceiling cat vs basement cat

Ceiling Cat is the force of all that is good in the universe, and the source of all purring. Throughout all of time he must battle Basement Cat, an evil, black, subterranean cat similar to what humans call, “Satan.”

basement cat tshirtNew: Basement Cat T-Shirt

  • Star Wars fans would say the Ceiling Cat is “The Force,” while Basement Cat is “The Dark Side.”
  • C.S. Lewis might consider Ceiling Cat a “wise, furry, feline Jesus figure,” much like his “Aslan” character.

Ceiling Cat: Provides Divine Inspiration & Celestial Surveillance for Chairman Meow

It is said in Sun Tzu’s Art of War that for any dictator to be successful, he must have effective surveillance, preferably from a celestial kitty looking down on the masses from the ceiling. Such is the essential role of Ceiling Cat in the Glorious Kitty Revolution. Ceiling Cat sees everything, even your thoughts.

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.” – George Orwell

ceiling cat vs basement cat

Ceiling Cat T-Shirts for Capitalist Pigs

Although Capitalism is inherently self-destructive, Chairman Meow believes that we must all make money in order to provide a proper home for our kittehs. How else could we enjoy a warm bed, catnip, and delicious fishy treats?

For this reason, Chairman Meow has commissioned his Minister of Propaganda to create t-shirts to honor Ceiling Cat, so that Capitalist Pigs may attain them and find happiness in acquiring material possessions.

ceiling cat t-shirt

*Like a furry, 4-legged Robin Hood, Chairman Meow provides coupons for greedy corporations like Vistaprint (get coupons) so that their profits may be diminished, and redistributed to the kitteh-owning masses.

Ceiling Cat believe

So, Timmy, I hope you has learned many important things about Ceiling Cat today. Hopefully now you will live a more meaningful life supporting the Kitteh Revolution, and stop masturbating.

Chairman Meow has spoken.

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